I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
