i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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