btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
And then he peed in my hair
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
