she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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