only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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