I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
