You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
