he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
