Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
