He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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