peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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