i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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