If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
