my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
