i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
