Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
