Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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