I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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