Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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