I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
