i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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