I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
