I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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