thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
