Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
