hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
