actually, I'm a sock model
time to smoke my breakfast
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
