what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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