You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I will pee on everything he values.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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