**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
My pussy is not your playground.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Randomize
