remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
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