I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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