I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
