Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
