I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
