Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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