I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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