so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
