ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
