everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
