You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
