I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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