1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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