I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
