true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
