Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
