i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
