My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
