Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
