sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Randomize
